Physical Address
304 North Cardinal St.
Dorchester Center, MA 02124
You’re attracted to them. You’ve got the opportunity. Everything seems to be going well. You’re in the exact moment you wanted to be but all of a sudden, anxiety can strike. So why are you suddenly feeling nervous about having sex?
If you’ve been left feeling like this, you’re not alone. I’ve felt like this in the past but it’s important to recognize the emotion and understand what you can do about it. Here, I’ll guide you through how to process your thoughts and ensure they don’t ruin the moment.
You’re Putting Too Much Pressure on Yourself
One of the biggest causes of pre-sex nerves is pressure. You might have an idea in your head about how the encounter is supposed to go. You might feel that you need to be confident, last a certain amount of time, maintain an erection, know exactly what to do and leave your partner completely satisfied.
That’s a lot to put on yourself but being good at sex as a man is more about getting out of your own head and learning to enjoy the moment. There is no perfect sequence of moves that you need to recognize in order to perform at your best.
The more you treat sex like a performance, the harder it can become to actually enjoy it. Instead of paying attention to your partner and the sensations you’re experiencing, you’re monitoring yourself: Am I doing this right? Do they like it? Am I taking too long?
Instead of focusing on your own need to perform well, focus on how you want both of you to enjoy it. That small change of mindset can take away a lot of the pressure.
You’re Worried About Your Performance
Performance anxiety is particularly common among men. After all, a little lube can cure a woman’s dryness but a man losing his erection is more of a showstopper. There are other worries you may have as well, such as not being able to last long enough or even taking too long, for that matter.
The cruel twist is that caring about these things can make them more likely to happen. Anxiety activates your body’s stress response. When your brain thinks you’re in a threatening or high-pressure situation, sex can become much more difficult to focus on. An erection, for example, isn’t something you can reliably force through willpower.
If something doesn’t go exactly as planned, it doesn’t mean the night is ruined. You can slow down, laugh about it, kiss, talk, cuddle or simply try again later. Good sex isn’t defined by everything going perfectly.
If you’re worried about letting your partner down, remember there are many other things you can do to arouse them. If all else fails, you can always go down on them until they orgasm. Knowing that there will always be ways to satisfy your partner can help to prevent any nerves.
You Want Your Partner to Like You
Sex can feel like a much bigger deal when you genuinely like the person you’re with. You can start to worry about things way off into the future without focusing on the now. If sex is bad, then perhaps she won’t ever want to see me again? The reality doesn’t work like that.
You might be also be wondering whether they find you attractive, whether they’ll judge your body or whether the experience will change how they feel about you afterwards. These thoughts are completely understandable.
But remember that your partner is probably bringing their own insecurities into the bedroom. They may be worrying about their appearance, whether you’re attracted to them, or whether they’re doing things correctly.
Chances are, they aren’t judging you nearly as harshly as you imagine. Try to be present in the moment and if you’re focusing on both of you having a good time together, good sex is going to follow.
You’re Comparing Yourself
Porn can create some seriously unrealistic expectations about sex. I think the whole aspect of it negatively influencing men is a bit overexaggerated. But still, it can cause doubts in your mind and lead you to make false assumptions.
Real sex is much less polished. People get nervous. Bodies make strange noises. Positions don’t always work. Someone might start laughing. An erection might disappear. You might have absolutely no idea what to do next. None of that means you’re doing something wrong.
Real intimacy is about communication, attraction and connection. You don’t need to compare yourself to anything. Other people will only ever want to tell you about the good things that happened. You do you.
You Don’t Know What Your Partner Wants
Another common source of anxiety is uncertainty. You may well be wondering what do they like, and what if I miss doing something they love. Alternatively, what if I try something that has worked before that they don’t like.
Instead of worrying, it’s good to see sex as a conversation. Both literally and figuratively. Respond to what they are enjoying and roll with it. What is bringing about those subtle moans? What are they pushing into instead of pushing away from? What other clues are they giving you?
And if you’re unsure, literal communication is attractive. She doesn’t need a play-by-play interview but simple prompts such as “do you like that?” can work wonders. Good sex involves responding to each other rather than following a predetermined script.
How Can You Calm Your Nerves?
Firstly, being a little nervous is completely normal. Sex is a big deal, of course it is. But it’s also not the be-all and end-all. Yet taking a few simple steps can help you to focus on the things that matter the most in the moment.
Before sex, take a few slow breaths and consciously bring your attention back to the present moment. Instead of thinking about what might happen five minutes from now, focus on what is happening right now. Think about the excitement, how much you’re going to please her, and how you intend to please her.
Don’t rush, a slower build-up can not only help with your nerves but make the whole experience more intimate. Most importantly, remember that you don’t have to prove anything. You don’t need to be perfect to be a great sexual partner. You just need to be present, attentive, respectful and willing to enjoy the experience together.
